When Your Body Doesn't Feel Lovable

It’s hard.

Sometimes we think our bodies have betrayed us, and that we’re at their mercy.  Sometimes we see nothing good, valuable, worthy, or beautiful when we look in the mirror.  Sometimes all we see is fat, wrinkles, gray hair, pores, cellulite, love handles, saggy this, flabby that.  

Sometimes we simply just don’t approve of our bodies.  And if we take that idea one step further, I believe that in not approving of our bodies, we are also not approving of ourselves at the deepest level.  

And here’s the rub.

We’re not taught how to approve of ourselves or our bodies.  There aren’t a lot of role models today that show us how to adore our physical selves.  There’s no course in school or specialized training we can take that will teach us how to value our bodies.  Instead, we become proficient at demeaning, criticizing, and complaining about our bodies.  And what is disturbing about this trend is that we pass on these ideas to our daughters.  In a conversation with a friend the other day, she described her niece, age nine, who is beginning to look in the mirror and talk about how fat she is and how she should go on a diet.  Unless we, as adults, consciously and intentionally shift our view of our bodies--today--right now--in this moment, this trend of self loathing will impact future generations.

But here’s the good news.

It is possible to shift your view of your body from one of self-loathing to one of self-love.  It is possible to transform your critical thoughts into thoughts that support you.  It is possible to love what you see in the mirror, no matter what you weigh, how many gray hairs you may have, or how out of shape you may feel.  It is possible to approve of everything about your physical self, from cellulite to love handles to thighs. 

It begins with a willingness to change what you say to yourself.  It begins with a willingness to choose approval over disapproval.  It beings with a willingness to see yourself as a beautiful creature worthy of adoration. 

Marianne Williamson wrote a letter to Oprah Winfrey 17 years ago about this very idea, “In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in the belief about who and what you are.”

Are you willing to shift your belief about who and what you are?

Up Next:  Why I Love to Run

How to Be Kind to Your Inner Fat Girl

I think many women have an Inner Fat Girl.  

I know I do.

She shows up when I feel stressed.  She shows up when I feel frustrated.  She shows up when I feel tired.  She shows up when I feel scattered.  Basically, she makes her presence known when I feel any kind of negative feeling.  And she likes to eat.  A lot.  In fact, I might call her a binge eater.  

But as I have discovered over the years, what my Inner Fat Girl really wants has nothing to do with food.  What my Inner Fat Girl wants is attention, love, comfort, understanding, patience, and compassion.  And she mistakenly thinks that by eating, she will gain those things.  However, those are desires that cannot be met by any kind or any amount of food.  

And so, when my Inner Fat Girl shows up, I immediately take that as a sign that I need to be kinder to myself.  When my Inner Fat Girl starts screaming for New York Super Fudge Chunk Sundae ice cream, I know that there’s something else going on besides physical hunger.  My Inner Fat Girl clearly and distinctly points me in the direction of emotional hunger.  And food can never satisfy emotional hunger.  

So, if your Inner Fat Girl is emotionally hungry, what are some things that you can do that can satisfy her? 

First, acknowledge that food isn’t what she really wants.  She may think she wants it, but a binge really won’t help her feel better in the long run.  She’ll still feel all the negative feelings she had before the binge--and she’ll be dealing with the added guilt and frustration of having just binged!

Second, ask her what will bring her the most pleasure.  Perhaps she just needs to take a couple of deep, full, slow belly breaths.  Or maybe she needs to blow off some steam by going for a vigorous walk.  May she needs a candle lit bubble bath.  Maybe she needs to call a friend, or write in a journal, or do something with her hands.  

Third, love her.  Because that’s what she really wants.

Up Next:  How to Love Your Body When It Doesn’t Feel Very Lovable 

Reinvent Yourself For Fall

Even though it’s the middle of August, I can feel the season changing.  The number if daylight hours is diminishing, and I’m noticing that a few trees have begun to shed their leaves.

For those of us who, like the trees, might like to shed a few pounds between now and the holidays, here are a few tips.

1. 1. Eat only foods you love.  The quickest way to gain weight is to go on a diet.  Abandon your belief in the diet myth, and eat foods that bring you pleasure.
   

2. 2.Pay attention to your thoughts.  The quickest way to gain weight is to tell yourself, “I’m so fat,” or “I ate like a pig,” or “I can’t believe my pants are fitting tight again!”   Abandon those negative voices in your head, and instead relish and acknowledge your magnificence.
   

3. 3.Focus on what you want.  The quickest way to gain weight is to focus on how fat you are.  Instead of affirming what you don’t want (see Tip No. 2), affirm what you do want.  
   

4. 4.Celebrate yourself.  The quickest way to gain weight is to feel like depressed about your life.  Look for reasons to applaud your accomplishments, whether it is as simple as choosing to eat an apple, or as significant as spending an hour with a personal trainer.  Everything you do that moves you toward your desired outcome deserves celebration!
   

5. 5.Express gratitude.  The quickest way to gain weight is to ignore your body.  Be grateful for everything about your fine self.  When you were a baby, everything about your body fascinated you.  Rediscover that fascination by taking time to be grateful to your body for everything it has done for you.
   

By following these simple tips, you can go a long way in reinventing  yourself during the upcoming autumn season.  Who knows where you may be by the holidays?

Up Next:  How to Be Kind to Your Inner Fat Girl

The Power of Visualization

Leveraging the power of our minds is one of the most pivotal things we can do as we release weight through pleasure.   While we may be all too familiar with diets, diet pills, diet shakes, cleanses, exercising, low carbs, low fat,  good foods, bad foods, in-between foods, fast food, health food, and even radical surgical procedures, in many cases we are missing one key element.   And that key element is visualization.

In the late 1980s, I gained some weight, didn’t like how my clothes were fitting, and promptly resolved to lose that weight.  And lose weight I did.  Temporarily.  But within three years, I had gained it back--and then some.  A decade later, it happened again.  Only this time the number of pounds I re-gained doubled.  So again, I endeavored to lose weight.  And again, I succeeded, temporarily. 

However, even when I reached my goal weight, I still saw myself as fat.  Even though I was lighter than I had been in many, many years, I still saw myself as obese.  Even though I was wearing clothes in a size I was quite happy with, every time I saw a photo of myself or caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I saw myself as heavy.  Even though, to the outside world I was thin, I still perceived myself as fat.  And you have one guess as to what happened.  Within a couple of years, I became fat--again.  I could temporarily change my external behavior by eating less and moving more, but my internal progress was zilch.  In my first two attempts at losing weight, I neglected the most important part of the journey.  I neglected the internal work.  I neglected to transform my view of myself and what I deserved.  

At the end of each issue of O, the Oprah Magazine, Oprah Winfrey writes a column called, “What I Know for Sure.”    Here’s what I know for sure about weight loss: In order to release weight from your body for good, you need to be willing to change your view of yourself and your body.  

You need to be willing to replace negative beliefs about yourself with positive beliefs.  You need to be willing pay close attention to your thoughts about your body.  And you need to be willing visualize yourself in your healthier body before you have released that first ounce of fat.  

“But Kristin, it’s been decades since my body’s weight has been in a healthful range,” you might say.  “I have no clue about ‘visualizing’ myself at my ideal weight, because, in all honesty, I can’t ever remember being at my ideal weight.  How can I visualize something that I’ve never experienced?”

Here are a few tricks that might help you get started down the road to changing your view of yourself and your body.

1. 1. Recognize the truth.  The truth is, no matter what you weigh today, you are beautiful.
   

2. 2.Tell yourself the truth.  Every time you look at yourself in the mirror, find something about your physical body you like, and praise it.  Say it out loud.  Even though you might feel silly doing so, do it!
   

If you can recognize the truth of your beauty and if you can acknowledge it to yourself verbally, you will notice that your relationship with your body will improve, that your body will gradually become more and more beautiful, and your weight will diminish.   Because you see your body as beautiful, you may find yourself eating more fruits and vegetables.  Because you see your body as beautiful, you may find yourself wanting to move it a little bit more.  Nutrition and activity are important.  But the crux of the matter is seeing yourself--visualizing yourself--as beautiful.

Up Next:  Reinvent Yourself for Fall

What Do You Really Want?

 

This is a question that I come back to, time and time and time again.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about ice cream, particularly anything from Dairy Queen with hot fudge on it. 

The last time I remember being at Dairy Queen was about 20 years ago with a couple of friends, when we used DQ as a reward for being successful on our diet.

The menu item of choice for me, 20 years ago, was a Peanut Buster Parfait, and I remember purchasing it, eating it, and really, really enjoying it.

So last week, I asked myself, “What do you really, really want?”  I had been planning on going for a long run in the evening, but the temperature and humidity never dropped enough for me to feel safe (I’m not a big fan of heat stroke), and so instead of my long run, I decided to do some research into Dairy Queen, Peanut Buster Parfaits, chocolate, ice cream, pleasure, and my desires.

At 7 pm in the evening, the time I had originally planned to run 8 miles, I instead headed out the door to my local Dairy Queen.  I walked in, confirmed with young man at the register that DQ does, in fact, still make Peanut Buster Parfaits.  

I ordered one, and began to eat it. 

And as I was eating it, I also analyzed it--and my response to it.  Was it as good as I remembered?  Did I like the chocolate?  Were the peanuts fresh and salty?  Was the ice cream delicious and satisfying?  

And about three bites into it, I made some important discoveries into what brings me pleasure.  First and foremost, I discovered that I like really excellent chocolate.  Dark, musky, deep chocolate.  And lots and lots of it.  While the DQ hot fudge was delicious, it wasn’t quite what I had in mind--nor was there enough of it to suit me.  And while the peanuts added a certain crunchy goodness to the confection, I discovered that I would have preferred saltier, “roastier” (I know it’s not a word!) nuts.  And while contemplating the ice cream, and I realized that, while soft serve certainly does have its fine points, what I really like is hard, cold ice cream with a high fat content!   

My little research trip to Dairy Queen a few days ago taught me a few things about loving myself and my body.  It taught me that my tastes have changed over the decades.  It taught me that I still love ice cream but prefer a different kind.  It taught me that I still adore chocolate but require darker, richer fudge.  It taught me that I like really salty, deeply roasted peanuts.  And it taught me that I like lots and lots of fat in my ice cream.

If you were going to do a little research into what makes you happy, what you really want, and what brings you pleasure, what would you research?  I’d love to hear yourresults!

E-mail me at nannerl123@yahoo.com.

Up Next:  The Power of Visualization 

 

Internal Conflict, or How to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too

 

You see the donut.  It’s your favorite kind.  It’s calling your name.  It wants you to eat it.  And you want to be the one to eat it.  Your mouth starts to water as you imagine the delightfully crispy outside and the tender and delicious inside.

You know you shouldn’t, and so you start to turn around and walk away.  But the image of the donut stays with you,  like that last tune you heard on the radio you can’t get out of your head.  And of course, the more more you think about not eating that donut, the more you want it.  And the more you want it, the more necessary it becomes to your happiness.  So you throw up your hands, say “I don’t have any willpower,” and turn around, go back, get it, and eat it.  But you don’t really eat it.  You stuff it in your mouth quickly, wash it down with coffee, hope no one saw you eat it, and then you head back to whatever you were doing.  

But the story doesn’t end there.  At this point, you start to berate yourself and belittle yourself and demean yourself and your willpower and your intelligence and your worth as a human being.  You might even compare yourself to livestock or barnyard animals.  As you punish yourself for going off your diet, you head back to the break room to see if there are any more donuts left.

Sometimes I think it isn’t the food that makes us fat.  Sometimes I think it’s what we say to ourselvesafter we eat something.  Sometimes I think it’s the self-chastisement and self-punishment that propels us to gain more weight rather than a simple calories in/calories out formula.  

If you find yourself struggling with donuts (or French fries or candy bars or ice cream), here are a couple of things to consider. 

First, take great pleasure in whatever it is you’re eating.  Eat it with delight, and really savor it.  Close your eyes and taste it.  Smell it.  Feel it.  Listen to the sounds it makes as you chew it.  Make your own sounds while you’re eating it!  Really squeeze as much joy and delight and pleasure out of it as you can.  If you need to sit down, sit.  If you need to describe its flavor to someone, describe.  If you need to eat it really, really slowly to mine it for all the satisfaction it can give you, eat it really, really slowly.  But enjoy it.

And second, after you eat what you truly and deeply desire, celebrate that you met your needs.  “That tasted so good--it was just what I wanted” is a great alternative to “Man, I blew my diet again.”  “I love dark chocolate” is a much more pleasurable thought than “I bet the scale is gonna go up this week.”  

Allow yourself to enjoy what you truly and deeply desire.  And then celebrate that you were kind enough to yourself to honor your needs!

The answer to internal conflict around food?  Kindness lavished upon yourself!

Up Next:  What Do You Really Want?

Joy in Movement

Let’s just say that there really was not much joy in moving my body 45 pounds ago.  In fact, moving my body was utter torture.  It was a difficult endeavor, and I usually sought out ways to avoid moving--like taking the elevator rather than the stairs, or asking people to bring me things rather than getting them myself.  If I dropped something on the floor, it was not always easy to bend over and pick it up.  Nor was it always easy to lace up a pair of shoes. There were just certain things about moving my body that were uncomfortable and unpleasant.

I was stuck.

But not only was I stuck physically behind 45 pounds of weight that did not serve me, I was stuck mentally behind years and years and years of negative self-talk and negative beliefs about my body and my life.

Like a stagnant pond, there was no movement in my life, either physically or mentally.  I was becoming, in a way, stale, dead, immobilized, lifeless.

But there was a part of me that knew, intuitively, that there had to be another way of living, of thinking, of being, of moving.  And so I started to move my thoughts.  I became hyper-aware of what I said to myself--the words I sued to describe myself and my body--and I worked on a conscious and intentional level to treat myself with kindness and compassion.  As I began to replace the “I’m so fat” thoughts with the “I’m really cute” thoughts, my behavior began to change as well.  One of my intentions was to get in the best shape of my life, and I knew that, in addition to eating really well and thinking really kind thoughts about my body, I was going to have to actually move my body, too.  And I knew I was going to have to figure out a way to make moving joyful and fun.  

I still remember my decision to take that first walk.  It was not an easy decision.  It was a decision that I resisted and struggled with.  But I knew that if I was going to truly and deeply love all of me, I was going to have to find a way to give my body what it truly and deeply wanted, and what my body truly and deeply wanted was to move.

So I took a break at work.  I got out of my chair, put on my jacket, and headed out the door.  I walked for 15 minutes in one direction, turned around, and walked back.  There was a part of me that didn’t want to be seen.  There was a part of me that was embarrassed (“What would people think of me?”).  There was a part of me that didn’t want to sweat.   But there was a bigger part of me that enjoyed walking through a neighborhood that I rarely saw, even from my car.   There was a part of me that enjoyed seeing shops I’d never seen before.  There was a part of me that enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment from having done something good for my body.  

On that first walk, I found joy in movement.  I found pleasure in moving my body.  I found delight in sweat.

If you’re like I was, and are totally resisting the idea of moving your physical self, I have a little suggestion.  Find a way to infuse moving your body with fun, with pleasure, and with joy!

Up Next:  Internal Conflict, or How to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too!