What Do You Really Want?

 

This is a question that I come back to, time and time and time again.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about ice cream, particularly anything from Dairy Queen with hot fudge on it. 

The last time I remember being at Dairy Queen was about 20 years ago with a couple of friends, when we used DQ as a reward for being successful on our diet.

The menu item of choice for me, 20 years ago, was a Peanut Buster Parfait, and I remember purchasing it, eating it, and really, really enjoying it.

So last week, I asked myself, “What do you really, really want?”  I had been planning on going for a long run in the evening, but the temperature and humidity never dropped enough for me to feel safe (I’m not a big fan of heat stroke), and so instead of my long run, I decided to do some research into Dairy Queen, Peanut Buster Parfaits, chocolate, ice cream, pleasure, and my desires.

At 7 pm in the evening, the time I had originally planned to run 8 miles, I instead headed out the door to my local Dairy Queen.  I walked in, confirmed with young man at the register that DQ does, in fact, still make Peanut Buster Parfaits.  

I ordered one, and began to eat it. 

And as I was eating it, I also analyzed it--and my response to it.  Was it as good as I remembered?  Did I like the chocolate?  Were the peanuts fresh and salty?  Was the ice cream delicious and satisfying?  

And about three bites into it, I made some important discoveries into what brings me pleasure.  First and foremost, I discovered that I like really excellent chocolate.  Dark, musky, deep chocolate.  And lots and lots of it.  While the DQ hot fudge was delicious, it wasn’t quite what I had in mind--nor was there enough of it to suit me.  And while the peanuts added a certain crunchy goodness to the confection, I discovered that I would have preferred saltier, “roastier” (I know it’s not a word!) nuts.  And while contemplating the ice cream, and I realized that, while soft serve certainly does have its fine points, what I really like is hard, cold ice cream with a high fat content!   

My little research trip to Dairy Queen a few days ago taught me a few things about loving myself and my body.  It taught me that my tastes have changed over the decades.  It taught me that I still love ice cream but prefer a different kind.  It taught me that I still adore chocolate but require darker, richer fudge.  It taught me that I like really salty, deeply roasted peanuts.  And it taught me that I like lots and lots of fat in my ice cream.

If you were going to do a little research into what makes you happy, what you really want, and what brings you pleasure, what would you research?  I’d love to hear yourresults!

E-mail me at nannerl123@yahoo.com.

Up Next:  The Power of Visualization 

 

Internal Conflict, or How to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too

 

You see the donut.  It’s your favorite kind.  It’s calling your name.  It wants you to eat it.  And you want to be the one to eat it.  Your mouth starts to water as you imagine the delightfully crispy outside and the tender and delicious inside.

You know you shouldn’t, and so you start to turn around and walk away.  But the image of the donut stays with you,  like that last tune you heard on the radio you can’t get out of your head.  And of course, the more more you think about not eating that donut, the more you want it.  And the more you want it, the more necessary it becomes to your happiness.  So you throw up your hands, say “I don’t have any willpower,” and turn around, go back, get it, and eat it.  But you don’t really eat it.  You stuff it in your mouth quickly, wash it down with coffee, hope no one saw you eat it, and then you head back to whatever you were doing.  

But the story doesn’t end there.  At this point, you start to berate yourself and belittle yourself and demean yourself and your willpower and your intelligence and your worth as a human being.  You might even compare yourself to livestock or barnyard animals.  As you punish yourself for going off your diet, you head back to the break room to see if there are any more donuts left.

Sometimes I think it isn’t the food that makes us fat.  Sometimes I think it’s what we say to ourselvesafter we eat something.  Sometimes I think it’s the self-chastisement and self-punishment that propels us to gain more weight rather than a simple calories in/calories out formula.  

If you find yourself struggling with donuts (or French fries or candy bars or ice cream), here are a couple of things to consider. 

First, take great pleasure in whatever it is you’re eating.  Eat it with delight, and really savor it.  Close your eyes and taste it.  Smell it.  Feel it.  Listen to the sounds it makes as you chew it.  Make your own sounds while you’re eating it!  Really squeeze as much joy and delight and pleasure out of it as you can.  If you need to sit down, sit.  If you need to describe its flavor to someone, describe.  If you need to eat it really, really slowly to mine it for all the satisfaction it can give you, eat it really, really slowly.  But enjoy it.

And second, after you eat what you truly and deeply desire, celebrate that you met your needs.  “That tasted so good--it was just what I wanted” is a great alternative to “Man, I blew my diet again.”  “I love dark chocolate” is a much more pleasurable thought than “I bet the scale is gonna go up this week.”  

Allow yourself to enjoy what you truly and deeply desire.  And then celebrate that you were kind enough to yourself to honor your needs!

The answer to internal conflict around food?  Kindness lavished upon yourself!

Up Next:  What Do You Really Want?

Joy in Movement

Let’s just say that there really was not much joy in moving my body 45 pounds ago.  In fact, moving my body was utter torture.  It was a difficult endeavor, and I usually sought out ways to avoid moving--like taking the elevator rather than the stairs, or asking people to bring me things rather than getting them myself.  If I dropped something on the floor, it was not always easy to bend over and pick it up.  Nor was it always easy to lace up a pair of shoes. There were just certain things about moving my body that were uncomfortable and unpleasant.

I was stuck.

But not only was I stuck physically behind 45 pounds of weight that did not serve me, I was stuck mentally behind years and years and years of negative self-talk and negative beliefs about my body and my life.

Like a stagnant pond, there was no movement in my life, either physically or mentally.  I was becoming, in a way, stale, dead, immobilized, lifeless.

But there was a part of me that knew, intuitively, that there had to be another way of living, of thinking, of being, of moving.  And so I started to move my thoughts.  I became hyper-aware of what I said to myself--the words I sued to describe myself and my body--and I worked on a conscious and intentional level to treat myself with kindness and compassion.  As I began to replace the “I’m so fat” thoughts with the “I’m really cute” thoughts, my behavior began to change as well.  One of my intentions was to get in the best shape of my life, and I knew that, in addition to eating really well and thinking really kind thoughts about my body, I was going to have to actually move my body, too.  And I knew I was going to have to figure out a way to make moving joyful and fun.  

I still remember my decision to take that first walk.  It was not an easy decision.  It was a decision that I resisted and struggled with.  But I knew that if I was going to truly and deeply love all of me, I was going to have to find a way to give my body what it truly and deeply wanted, and what my body truly and deeply wanted was to move.

So I took a break at work.  I got out of my chair, put on my jacket, and headed out the door.  I walked for 15 minutes in one direction, turned around, and walked back.  There was a part of me that didn’t want to be seen.  There was a part of me that was embarrassed (“What would people think of me?”).  There was a part of me that didn’t want to sweat.   But there was a bigger part of me that enjoyed walking through a neighborhood that I rarely saw, even from my car.   There was a part of me that enjoyed seeing shops I’d never seen before.  There was a part of me that enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment from having done something good for my body.  

On that first walk, I found joy in movement.  I found pleasure in moving my body.  I found delight in sweat.

If you’re like I was, and are totally resisting the idea of moving your physical self, I have a little suggestion.  Find a way to infuse moving your body with fun, with pleasure, and with joy!

Up Next:  Internal Conflict, or How to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too!

The Pollyanna Game

 

I love Facebook.

One of my favorite things about Facebook is the status lines of my friends.  Here is a status line I came across recently: “Pollyanna--the Glad Game--WORKS!”

I was intrigued, and so I asked my friend more about it.  She explained that she uses it on her kids when they’re complaining about something: “Find something to be glad about in this situation.  Like collecting smiles when you go for a walk!”

And I love that idea.

I looked up “Pollyanna” in one of my dictionaries, and the definition was not particularly flattering:  “a foolishly or blindly optimistic person.”  I, however, prefer Marianne Williamson’s take on Pollyanna.  She writes (I apologize that I can’t remember where I read it) that it takes strength and courage to be a Pollyanna.  And I agree.  Rather than thinking of Pollyanna as foolish or blindly optimistic, I prefer to think of her as a strong and courageous young woman.  It takes strength and courage to find the good in a “bad” situation.  It takes strength and courage to find beauty in something that may traditionally be considered ugly.  It takes strength and courage to recognize the perfection in something that may be considered imperfect.  It takes strength and courage to recognize the greatness in something that may be considered weak.  It takes strength, courage, and maybe a little bit of commitment and discipline, to consciously and intentionally shift our mindset from one of  focussing on what’s wrong in our life to focussing in what’s right in our life.

So last night, I had an opportunity to play the “Glad Game.”  

I had intended to go for a run, but my schedule got slightly screwed up, and so I was unable to go at the time I had planned on.  And instead of beating myself up for my imperfect timing, I decided to go for a walk.  I walked a few blocks down the road to a beautiful park that is filled with lush and abundant flowers.  The foliage is spectacular right now, and while I was there, out of nowhere, a man playing a banjo appeared, strolling through the gardens, strumming on his instrument.  I was enthralled.  I wanted to be his groupie.  Here was a reason to be glad!

Later, as I was walking through the gorgeous flora and fauna, I saw something that I’d never seen before: several hummingbird moths sipping nectar from various flowers with their long tongue.  I was mesmerized by the action of their wings, their tongue, and their intense focus on finding the perfect flower.  I probably could have stayed there for an hour, enchanted by their quiet buzzing and focussed attention.  The hummingbird moths made me happy.  It was another reason to be glad!

I prefer to think of Pollyanna, not as blindly or foolishly optimistic, but instead,  as a courageous and strong realist who can see the truth and goodness in any situation.  

And I can’t wait to see where the Glad Game takes me today!

Up Next:  Joy in Movement

Gratitude Revisited

 

I remember when I first started thinking about gratitude.  It was back in the 1990s, and Sarah Ban Breathnach was being interviewed on The Oprah Winfrey Show.  She and Oprah were talking about gratitude, gratitude journals, and the like.

“Sure,”  I thought.  “That sounds fine for people who have nothing better to do.  It’s probably a wonderful idea, but I seriously don’t have time for it.”  I was working on a doctorate at the time, teaching classes at a couple of local universities, and feeling stressed out, overworked, overwhelmed, and generally tired.

Fast forward to 2007.  An unhealthy relationship had ended. I’d finished the degree, and I found myself taking a personal development course.   One of the assignments given by the facilitator of this course was to create a list of 300 gratitudes.

300!

Of course, because I was investing a lot of money, time, and energy in this workshop, I decided, “Fine.  If that’s the assignment, I’m darn well gonna do it.”

And so, as I was sitting in La Guardia in April, 2007, I started compiling my list of 300 things to be grateful for.  I numbered several pages in a journal from 1 to 300, and I began listing things.  And the longer my list became, the more relaxed I felt.  

And then a miracle happened.

I was in the Milwaukee airport, up to  “Gratitude 169” I was given free air fare!  FREE!  Out of nowhere I was suddenly the proud owner of a voucher good for a free round trip ticket to anywhere in the continental United States.   “Gratitude 169” convinced me that this gratitude thing really works, and I got totally serious about it. 

I began a morning routine of drinking coffee and writing out things I am grateful for. 

That routine morphed into an evening ritual of writing out gratitudes before I go to sleep.

Then I decided to incorporate gratitude not just into my mornings and evenings, but into my days as well, and now I carry an “On the Go” gratitude journal in my purse.  When I find myself  with a few moments, wherever I am, I take out that little journal and write down what I’m grateful for in that moment.

And as I was relishing the idea of gratitude in my life, I started becoming enormously grateful for my body.  Even though I was, at the time, heavier than was healthy for my height, I started thinking about being grateful for being able to walk up the stairs to my apartment.  I started begin grateful for being able to hear the cry of the peacocks as I walked past the children’s zoo.  I began to be grateful that I could see the clear blue summer sky.  I began to be grateful that I could touch the soft fur of my black and white cat.  

Being grateful for being able to experience these small pleasures through my physical body shifted my thinking and my energy.  Because I was so grateful to be blessed with this precious human body, I began to treat it a little better.  Because I was grateful for being, overall, pretty healthy, I started to eat a few more fruits and vegetables and drink a little more water.  Because I was grateful for being able to move with relative ease, I started moving a little bit more.  Because I was grateful for being alive, I started to enjoy my life just a little bit more!

Gratitude has become a key component to my life.  Gratitude was a key component in my releasing weight through pleasure.  And gratitude is a key component to maintaining a healthful weight.

Are you up for a challenge?

I challenge you to make your own Gratitude List. 

Right now.

Take out a pen and a pad or journal.

Number from 1 to 300.  

Start listing things you’re grateful for.

And let me know what happens!  E-mail me at nannerl123@yahoo.com.

Up Next:  The Pollyanna Game

Can Being Happy Make You Thin?

 

A man's life are what his thoughts make of it.

--Marcus Aurelius.

Before we consider the answer to this question, let’s look at this question from the opposite angle:  “Can being sad make you fat?”  

From personal experience, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that negative emotions walk hand in hand with eating.  I learned, at a very early age, to use sugar, salt, and fat to deal with my feelings.  Food was super-convenient.  If I felt stressed about something in my life, food was a reliable companion.  It didn’t question me, argue with me, or invalidate me.  If I felt angry about something in my life, food was a way to zone out and numb myself from the uncomfortable feelings I was having.   If I was tired after putting in a 12-hour day, I counted on food to be there for me.  It always was.  And of course, the more intense my negative feelings, the more I ate.  And the more I ate, the more weight I gained.  And the more weight I gained, the sadder I felt.  And the sadder I felt, the more I ate.  And the more I ate. . . well, you get the picture. 

So, if it is true that being sad can make you fat, can being happy make you thin?  I believe the answer to that question is “Yes,” as well.  I believe that when we focus on happiness (or pleasure, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, and fun), we have less of a need to medicate ourselves through food.  As I feel happier in my life, food becomes a less-important way to generate happy, positive feelings.  As I focus on creating situations that bring me emotional satisfaction, food begin to play a less-integral role in my emotional well-being.  As I look for ways to experience pleasure and joy in my life without food, food becomes more like fuel and less like love.

If you feel that being sad can make you fat, and that being happy can make you thin (it’s simplistic, I know), consider focusing on happiness.  Create a list of things that bring you joy that have nothing to do with food.  And refer to that list often.  Post it on your refrigerator door, or your bathroom mirror, or by your computer at work.  Recognize and celebrate every positive, fun, happy, and joyful thing that happens to you during the day.  Celebrate every beautiful thing you encounter, whether it is a quick smile from somebody you pass on the street or feeling a dog’s tongue on your cheek or hearing a baby giggle with glee.  The more you celebrate and recognize happiness, the happiness you will have to share with the world.  And as you celebrate and recognize happiness, you may find yourself becoming happier.  And thinner. 

What makes you happy?

Up Next:  Gratitude Revisited

Ten Tips for Weight Loss Success

 

A few days ago, a friend asked me for tips on losing weight.  Having released almost 50 pounds of unnecessary weight from my body during the past couple of years, I’ve learned to. . .

1. 1. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR. This is the big one.  In fact, it’s the biggest one.  If I could only get only one point across to people, it would be this:  speak kindly to yourself.  What do you say to yourself as you’re looking at yourself in a bathroom mirror as you’re washing your hands?  What do you say to yourself when you’re toweling off after a shower?  Or if you’re walking down a city street and your reflection in a storefront window, what do you think? What do you think when you’re adjusting your rear view mirror in your car?  Are you noticing your flaws, your imperfections, the things about your body you don’t like?  And if so, begin today to replace those negative observations with affirmative observations.  Affirm what you see in the mirror.  Praise what you see in the mirror.  Recognize the beauty of what you seen in the mirror.  
   

2. 2. EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY BE A FEW POUNDS AWAY FROM YOUR IDEAL BODY WEIGHT, FIND THINGS ABOUT YOUR BODY TO LOVE--TODAY.  I know from personal experience that this is not easy.  Finding beauty in my body when it was 45 pounds above its healthful weight did not come naturally.  Seeing my overweight body as gorgeous required quite a bit of effort on my part.  It required energy and discipline and lots and lots of practice.  And it didn’t feel natural or easy at first.  It felt like I was lying to myself.  But here’s the funny thing that happened.  The more I noticed my great hair or my awesome curves or my spectacular laugh or my strong calves--the more I acknowledged the beauty in my overweight body, the more beauty there was to acknowledge, and the less overweight it became.
   

3. 3.KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.  There’s probably just a part of you that is resisting what you know you should do.  Discover what you’re resisting, and then find a way to make it fun.  For me, I had the biggest block around exercise.  I hated it for many reasons, which I won’t bore you with here.  However, I knew that, in order to get what I really, really wanted (to be in the best shape of my life), I knew I would have to get my fine rear out of the chair and move it in some way, shape, or form.  I knew that exercise was going to be a crucial component to releasing weight through pleasure, and so I decided to search for ways to make moving my body fun.  It wasn’t fun in the beginning.  But after a few months, it became fun!
   

4. 4. REGARD YOUR BODY AS PRECIOUS.  This seems to be a theme of the major religious traditions of the world, and yet, given the tremendous increase in obesity (and obesity-related diseases) over the past few decades, it’s a theme that is not effectively implemented in people’s lives.  There aren’t a lot of classes or workshops or degrees in “how to regard your body as precious.”  Learning to love our physical bodies is not something we’re taught in church or in school.  However, learning to love our physical bodies can become one of the most important lessons of our lives.  Developing a healthy, loving relationship with our flesh can create a foundation, platform, and springboard for healthy, loving relationships with all aspects of our lives.
   

5. 5. ENJOY YOUR PHYSICAL SENSES.  Take pleasure in each of your five senses every day.  Use your sense of touch, taste, sight, hearing, and smelling to experience beauty and fulfillment and satisfaction.
   

6. 6. BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR BODY.  Live in a state of gratitude for your physical self.  Consider all the wonderful things that you’ve accomplished with your body.  And if you want extra credit?  Create a gratitude list for the part of your body you have the hardest time accepting.  Do you feel like your thighs resemble tree trunks?  Consider how their strength has served you over the years.  Do you feel like your bottom is too big?  Consider the pleasure of having a curvy body.  Do you feel like your hair is too gray (or too curly or too straight or to thin or too thick or too this or to that)?  Consider being grateful for  that your hair has protected your scalp and kept your head warm over the years.
   

7. 7.PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY.  Listen to it.  Your body is always talking to you, but sometimes we don’t pay it the attention it deserves.  Is it tired?  Let it rest.  Is it overworked?  Give it a break.  Is it physically hungry?  Feed it food that it really enjoys.  Is it emotionally hungry?  Nourish its spirit.  Is it stressed?  Breathe deeply.  Is it bored?  Find pleasure in the now.  Is it in pain?  Touch it with love and kindness.  
   

8. 8. ONLY EAT FOODS YOU LIKE.  Life is too short to deprive yourself of foods you love.  Geneen Roth wrote something to the effect of, “For every diet, there is an equal and opposite binge.”  If there are foods that you continually deprive yourself of, eventually you will find yourself eating those foods--in large quantities!  However, if we allow ourselves to eat the foods that we truly enjoy and that truly bring us pleasure, then no foods are off limits.  We can eat what we want (because we’re paying attention to our wants and our hunger levels).  We can truly enjoy what we’re eating, and stop when we feel full.  For many of us, this can be challenge.  But just trusting ourselves to eat what we want and stop when we’ve had enough can be reason to celebrate!
   

9. 9.PAY ATTENTION TO PORTION SIZES.  This may not be a popular tip in today’s world of king size this and super size that.  Pay attention to when you’re hungry.  Eat what you’re physically hungry for.  And stop eating when you’re full.  And remember, distinguish between physical hunger and emotional hunger.  If you’re physically hungry, food will fill you up.  If you’re emotionally hungry, no amount of food on the planet will satisfy you. 
   

10. 10.  KEEP WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TOP OF MIND.  Give thoughtful attention to the deepest desires you have for your body, and celebrate everything you do that moves you in the direction of those desires.
    

Up Next:  How Can Getting Happy Make You Thin?